Don't cry little emo boy...

I suck at life...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 04:08:37 GMT

This is PATHETIC! How freaking long am I going to miss him? why the hell can't I date like a normal girl? seriously, me and ryan broke up HOW long ago?

I just don't know anymore. I don't get attached to guys. Im very much a compulsive flirt, which tends to make guys think I'm interested in them, but I'm just very friendly. Not that I mean to lead people on, but I guess I kind of have, and I'm sorry about that. I really do hate that I'm like this. It jsut sucks, ya know? I know that me and ryan don't have a chance. I know he's probably happy now and better off without me. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore. But it's gotten really bad on my end. I heard a mewithoutYou song the other day and I almost freaking started crying in the middle of my debate class. Tonight, someone was just talking about someone named ryan, and the guy sitting next to me smelled like him and crap just kept reminding me of him. I hate that I miss him. I know that I can date and stuff, but I jsut don't think the right guy has come along yet. I know that sounds mean and awful considering some of the guys thatI know like me. Theyre awesome guys. Theyre going to make some girls incredably happy someday, but I just know I wouldn't be happy with them... if that makes sense. I hope it does.

I don't know, Maybe something amazing will happen and Ill meet some great guy who'll make me forget about all my stupid nighttime ramblings about ryan. Maybe some stroke of fate will make things amazing again. oh well I'll be fine. I'll probably be better tomorrow after I get some sleep or something.

Yeah this entry sucks. Its emo. Don't read it.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 22:47:15 GMT

SO I just got back from visiting Andrew at work. I like him sometimes. Now here is my problem...

We have this little fight that we keep having about changing. He thinks I want to change who he is, and I guessI kinda do, but only because he subconciously wants me to change. See, he is one of those types that LOVES to be the center of attention. Me, I hate it unless I am on stage. I don't want anyones attention drawn to me unless I'm acting or they think I'm hot, or both. I have made this very clear. But he seems to like seeing me uncomfortable and continues to be really fucking weird in public. I'm not talking like a little strange, I'm talking draws the attention of everyone. And he likes to embarras people for fun. His way of thinking is that people shouldnt get embarrased easily because they should not care what other people think about them. I personally don't like to be embarrased. I have nothing to prove to other people, but I dont want them to think I'm retarded or anything... so I don't want to be embarrased. This is the fight we always have.

Because of this fight, I have contemplated our future. I think we don't have one. But, if I break up withhim, i could potentially lose some good people as friends. But I dont want to stay with him, because I'm not happy when I'm with him.

This train of thought cause me to wonder if I was ever happy in a relationship. I remeber 2 times I actually was really happy with someone.
1. Jordan. The first REAL boyfriend. Ended badly, as most young relationships do, but it was so effin' worth it.
2. Ryan friggen Smith. This kid is possibly one of the best people I have ever met. ever. We broke up almost a whole year ago... and I STILL to this freaking day, miss him and think about him regularly. Today was one of those times.driving home thinking about hoe yeah, I like andrew. But damn, I loved ryan. I guess I just figured that out too late.

so now, I face weeks, possibly monthes of being unhappy in this relationship. NowI am going to go make quesadillas and read my Bible. Mayhaps I'll become a nun.... Jesus is the only guy that has ever made me happy for an extended period of time... and he cant break up with you. SWEET.

<3~Jessica

i like the way you fall....

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 14:09:49 GMT

So, I have been thinking about what my darling brother should do for a living, and I have come to a great conclusion......

he needs to be a comic book/tattoo artist. Its pure genious. I would even let him practice on me.

What are your thoughts?.....

SO...

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 14:00:37 GMT

Well, I was going to go to the One Act Pay tonight, but 1. It costs $3 and 2. that guy said he might go. Those are good enough reasons for me not to go. I'm going to go see it on Thursday at the competition. I'm sorry guys, but I'll be there cheering you on come thursday.

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 22:17:36 GMT

Just a little note, in case it ever happens to you.....

Be very cautious about who you talk to on the phone. They could end up being really creepy. And call you all the time... and not leave you alone. Seriously. CREEPY

I think its time to go home.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 17:24:32 GMT

So I got a new journal. that is cool, huh. I am still contemlpating whether or not I will tell people about it.... I guess I will. Anyways, I left a big long thing on my other lj about dating and stuff, and I still get all confused, but thats ok. There is comfort in confusion.

<3~Jess